8 Mistakes People When Trying to Break Free From Porn

 Unedited Script generated by AI:

Welcome to the Unhooked Podcast on today's episode, eight Critical Mistakes People Make when trying to break Free from Porn, so stay tuned.

So welcome ladies and gentlemen, to a beautiful day here in Amsterdam. It is a sunny Friday afternoon, although you will be listening to this on a Monday. And I wanted to start off the episode today with just a little story because I was at the climbing gym the other day where I like to go and get some exercise, get a workout, and a friend had joined me and they were pretty new to climbing, and so I was helping them learn some of the basics.

So I told them the goal of climbing was to get to the top, and then I started out, started pointing out some of the common mistakes that a lot of beginners make when they start climbing. And that got me thinking that I should probably make an episode of the most common mistakes people make when trying to break free from porn.

So that's what the episode is all about today. So let's assume that you have gotten to the point where you recognize that porn is getting in the way of you accomplishing your goals. Maybe it's eating into your work or it's affecting your romantic relationships or affecting your ability to be satisfied and feel alive and joyful in your life.

Or maybe you just realize that you are thinking about sex and porn all the time, and you want to take back control of your mind, whatever the reason. You've decided it's time to break free from porn, to rewire your mind and to live with more integrity. So in this episode, I will cover what I see as the eight biggest mistakes people make when trying to break free from compulsive porn use and how to fix those mistakes.

Just a side note, this episode is focused on porn, but much of it also applies to any other digital or behavioral addictions. So much of addiction is the same at the root source, whether we're looking at porn or video games, or junk food or drugs and alcohol. It is so similar at the root source of it. And these mistakes that people make when they're trying to break free from porn also apply to other forms of compulsive behaviors and addictions.

So without further ado, let's dive in to the eight common mistakes people make when trying to break free from porn. Number one, thinking that watching porn makes you a bad person. Thinking that watching porn, or even worse, thinking that just having the desire to watch porn makes you a bad person is possibly the most damaging misconception.

So I'm putting it first. Having a desire to watch porn does not make you a bad person. It simply means that you are a sexual being. Our goal here in recovery is not to cut off our sexuality or to never feel any sexual desire, but to cultivate a healthier relationship to how we act out our sexuality. So instead of shaming yourself for having sexual desires, or even for occasionally slipping up and watching porn, to see if you can make space for your sexuality, to give yourself permission to be a sexual being.

If you can do that, it will make the road to recovery much easier because much of the compulsive nature of porn addiction comes from an underlying shame around the fact that we are sexual. It's this underlying sexual shame that so many people feel that fuels an addictive relationship with it.

Sexuality is one of the most beautiful aspects of human nature. And until you let go of the shame around your sexuality, it will be almost impossible to heal your mind and fix your relationship with porn. So for myself, when I notice desire, I see if I can reframe my attitude towards it instead of, oh, no lust, uh, you know, and try to suppress it.

Instead, I welcome it and I say to myself, wow. It really looks like I want to connect with someone in this moment because that's essentially what's going on. You know, this, this lust is a desire to connect. It's a desire to, to be with someone to, you know, have intimacy. There's nothing wrong with that desire.

So another way that you can put this into practice, this is something that I developed with, uh, one of my coaching clients, is the next time sexual desire arises. Instead of beating yourself up or shaming yourself, just say, Hey, it looks like I'm still alive. Or, Hey, it looks like I'm still a man. You know?

Whatever helps you drop into that space of acceptance around it. Mistake number two is repressing your emotions and your urges. So another huge mistake I see is people trying to repress what they're feeling. The more that we bottle up our emotions, the stronger those emotions become and the more that they have power over us.

There are many fairy tales and old wives tales and stories about some big monster, and the more you fight the monster, the more soldiers you throw at it, and the more arrows you fire at it, the stronger that monster becomes. But the moment that you invite that monster in for tea, the moment that you welcome it with open arms, it becomes smaller and weaker.

So instead of repressing emotions, learn how to accept emotions and feel them without feeding them. So when lust arises, instead of trying to push it away or indulge in it, simply acknowledge it and make space for it and say, oh, lust is here. That's all right. So allow yourself to feel the emotion without feeding it.

Mistake number three is that I see people using willpower alone to deal with urges. Willpower is a limited resource and it can only take you so far. I. I like to say that trying to use willpower alone without any other tools of recovery is like trying to keep yourself dry from the rain by catching every drop with your hands.

Eventually you're going to get overwhelmed and you will fail. So instead of clenching your teeth and trying to force yourself into better behavior, Focus on creating the conditions for recovery. These are things like cultivating healthier relationships and friendships, finding meaning or purpose in your life, and also importantly, using what we call behavioral architecture to limit how often you feel triggered.

This is going to conserve the amount of willpower that you have. Mistake number four is relying on some quick fix solution or wanting instant deep transformation. The thing you have to understand here is that the road to recovery is long for anyone who thinks it will be short and is much shorter for those who are prepared for a long journey.

Because the truth is recovery is the work of a lifetime. You will never get to the point where you are never tempted to act out in unhealthy ways. Our society is just too full of addictive behaviors and distractions and ways to escape. There's porn, there's video games, there's junk food, there's dating apps, there's Netflix.

All of the different ways we have to escape, and so a whole life recovery instead of just trying to get to the point where you never get tempted, it's focused on giving you the tools to deal with situations as they arise. You have to continue to put in the work throughout your life. But the good news is the more dedicated and disciplined you get, the easier this becomes over time.

So you will build these muscles of acting with integrity, of making conscious value-driven decisions, but these are muscles that you develop over time. It is not going to be a quick fix solution. Mistake number five I see is people lying to themselves about how bad their situation is. So people pretending that their problem is really not that bad when it actually is.

You know, the common thing that I hear from people who are just getting into this is, well, everyone watches porn, so it can't be that bad for me. Right? And I will admit that there are some people who are able to have a healthy relationship to porn, but I would argue that the majority of users tend to underestimate how it's affecting their life.

The problem arises because the effects of porn are both subtle and incremental. What that means is that they're very hard to notice. And they build up slowly over time. So it's often difficult to recognize when porn is the causal factor as it is with, you know, with other drugs or addictions. It can be easier to see the connection if you are addicted to, to heroin.

If you are addicted to alcohol, you can see those consequences much more visibly. But with something like porn addiction, again, these consequences are subtle. They're things like impaired focus and attention. You know, increase dissatisfaction in your relationships, increase problems with intimacy and erectile dysfunction.

So there's a lot of things that build up slowly over time. So it's important here to be honest with yourself and how this behavior might be holding you back from what you truly desire. The consequences, again, are not gonna be as obvious as they are with alcohol or drugs. But with mindfulness, with awareness, you can start to see how something like porn is affecting you.

As with any form of recovery, self-honesty and personal ownership are essential. You have to be honest with yourself about what's going on. Mistake number six is not addressing the root cause, the root issues going on. So a big misconception that I see in the addiction space is if I can just stop doing X, then my life will get better.

The problem with this way of thinking is that X is never the problem, it's the attempt to solve the problem. You know, this is a quote I love from Gabor Mata. He says, the addiction was never the problem. The addiction was the attempt to solve the problem, because addiction is an attempt to solve some underlying need that is lacking some.

Trauma response, some pain. You know, the inability to deal with some pain in life causes us to reach out for our addiction. So with any addiction, whether it's porn or drugs or alcohol, we need to beat this addiction by going to the root cause. If you try to beat the addiction just by stopping that one behavior, but you don't address the underlying problem, you will simply switch over to a new addiction.

And while that can be beneficial to move to lesser and lesser addictions, you know, to go from uh, porn addiction to Netflix, addiction is. You know, for the most part, a step up going from heroin addiction to junk food addiction. Again, it's probably a step up, but if you want a life of true freedom, of unconditional freedom, you have to go to the root cause.

You know, I've seen so many men break free from porn only to pick up a food or social media addiction, and. That's, you know, again, it, it might be a step in the right direction, but it's not what you ultimately want. So instead, focus on creating the conditions in your life where you don't need addiction, rather than just ending a single behavior.

It's like, how can I create a life that is so fulfilling that I don't need to escape? Now, mistake number seven is when I see people beating themself up when they relapse. Again, the road to recovery is not linear, and it's definitely not simple. As with any worthwhile journey, there will be setbacks and difficulties along the way, and it is normal to stumble a few times as you find your way and learn.

The necessary skills of total life recovery. This is going to happen with any worthwhile journey, and so relapse is part of that process. If you feel that relapse is a sign of failure, it's going to make it a very difficult path. But if you see relapse and stumbling as a part of the process, a part of the learning journey, then when it happens, you'll be ready to pick yourself back up again.

In the words of Alfred Pennyworth from Batman, he says, why do we fall master Bruce so we can learn to pick ourselves up again and again? This is so important. You know, going back to my rock climbing example. You shouldn't think that. Never falling is the goal. You know, because then you will always stay in your comfort zone.

You'll stay doing the easy routes, but learning how to fall and get back up and try harder and harder things, this is what we want to move towards. Mistake number eight. The final mistake is when people don't ask for help and support. So again, I see this time and time again people trying to do this journey alone because they don't want to be vulnerable.

They don't want to ask for help, and I get it. You know, it is hard to ask for help and to add on top of that, asking for help about such a sensitive issue can seem almost impossible. And I've said this many times before, it took me so long to be able to open up about my porn addiction to a single person, and so I understand how hard it is, but that is why it is so important to cross that threshold.

From what I've seen in my work with men around this issue, taking that one courageous step to be vulnerable, to ask for help and support can make all the difference in healing your life. The reason for this is that being vulnerable, it starts to ease the sense of shame that you have. When you realize that you're not alone with this problem.

When you realize that you're not a monster, it automatically lessens the feeling of shame. Especially that sexual shame of thinking you're pervert or you're broken in some way. So that's the first reason that being vulnerable is important. The second reason that it's important is that asking for help and support allows you to get the accountability you need to see it through.

Because one of the most difficult things I see, Is not getting the motivation to start your recovery. But what I see so often is that the moment people relapse, the moment people slip up, if they don't have accountability in their life, that one slip up just spirals out and it derails their whole recovery.

But when you get help and support, particularly accountability, whether it's a men's group or a coach or therapist, when you have accountability, A single slip up won't derail you. Again, it can just be a learning journey. Okay, I slipped up once. Maybe I slipped up for a week. How can I get back on track?

That is one of the most beneficial things of getting help and getting support. So reducing your shame, being vulnerable, realizing you're not alone, and then getting accountability. Now if you find yourself wanting to break free from porn, and if you are looking for support, I would ask you to get in touch with me and ask about my coaching program, ask about my free discovery calls.

This is something where we hop on a call, we talk about what you're going through, what your struggles are, what your aspirations are, and you get to see if coaching is a good fit for you. So if you're ready to take that next step in your recovery journey, then go to my website, the links are in the show notes, and just ask about a free discovery call.

So that's it for today. Again, I hope that this has inspired you. I hope that it is helpful for you on your journey of what to look out for, what are some of the mistakes that you might be making in your own recovery journey. So that's it. Signing off from beautiful Amsterdam. I hope that you all have a wonderful week ahead and I'll catch you on the next episode.