Unhooked Podcast: Mastering the Art of Overcoming Urges: Effective Strategies to Help You Quit Watching Porn

Unedited Transcript generated by AI:

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of Unhooked. I am your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz, and today we are going to be diving into a topic that is so important. Because it's all about how to deal with urges. You know? It's one thing to feel really committed to breaking free from porn to have the motivation, but inevitably on the path of recovery, there are going to be moments where you have the urge to.

Relapse, the urge to watch porn, the urge to do something against your greater values, your greater intentions, and those are those urges. And so we need to have a strategy for dealing with those moments. So today on the podcast, I'm going to be talking about mastering the art of overcoming urges. What are the things you can do to help you deal with these moments?

And we're gonna be diving into a few different strategies, some that are very practical, pragmatic tools. You know, what do you do in the moment, but also how do you set yourself up for success now? One of the reasons that quitting porn can be challenging again, is because these habits can be so ingrained that they're unconscious, no thought is even involved.

It might be all of a sudden you find yourself in front of a screen hours deep down a rabbit hole that you don't want to be in, and when you start on your recovery journey, Going through a period of time where you are free from watching porn for six months, for a year, for two years, to give your brain time to heal and to give your neural pathways time to reset is very important.

So mastering this art of overcoming urges is going to be important. So in this episode, again, I'm going to explore the ways you can deal with your urges when quitting porn so you can feel more empowered to take control of your actions and pave the way for a healthier and more fulfilling life. Now, there are two main categories or strategies for dealing with urges, what we might call preemptive strategies that limit or diminish your urges from arising in the first place.

And then counteractive strategies that help you work with urges that have already arisen. So these are the in the moment strategies when a, when an urge is already there. For the preemptive strategies, the idea here is that the best defense is a good offense. You know, these are important because we know that stimulus control is more important than self-control when it comes to breaking bad habits and forming good, healthy habits, and that relying on just willpower alone is not going to work.

So to do this, we need to limit how often our urges arise in the first place. You know, obviously an urge that never arises is much easier to deal with than an urge that does arise. The counteractive strategies, uh, in contrast to that, the idea here is that learning how to work with your emotions, learning how to work with strong energies is a critical step for deep and long lasting recovery.

You know, it's about cultivating self-mastery because the truth is urges will arise no matter how good your stimulus control is. No matter how good you set up your environment and avoid certain triggers you are going to experience moments of, of urges, moments of temptation where you want to act out against your higher intentions.

And also, you know, ultimately we want a life that is free. A life where you don't need to worry about where you're going, what you might see. And so having tools to work with your emotions is what gives you that freedom, you know, because then you can go anywhere. You can be in any environment and experience anything, any sights, any sounds, without being overwhelmed by your lust or your craving, you can decide how to act with your highest intentions.

So these are the two different types of strategies that we're gonna be going over today. So let's start with the preemptive strategies. Again, these are the ones that limit how often your urges will arise in the first place. So strategy number one is to identify and address your triggers. So recognizing the triggers that lead to wanting to act out with porn is essential for managing your urges.

There are many different kinds of triggers, but some common ones are things like stress. Or boredom, loneliness. And they can also be specific situations or environments. So for example, there might be, uh, you know, a time that you go to the gym that is very triggering for you, or there might be certain TV shows or movies that you watch that are triggering.

But once you identify your triggers, you need to make a conscious effort to avoid or minimize exposure to those triggers in the beginning, and you can replace them with healthier alternative outlets. So for example, if you know that stress is one of your triggers for acting out with porn, then first of all, doing things to mitigate how much stress you experience, you know, having a better exercise routine, uh, you know, limiting your interaction with stressful.

Colleagues that you might encounter. And also having better alternative outlets when you do experience stress or boredom or loneliness. So you know, when you experience stress instead of jumping straight to the. Uh, you know, to porn and to your screens. Can you instead say, okay, I'm gonna go to the gym, or I'm gonna do a 10 minute meditation, or I'm just gonna take a nap.

You know, there are many things you can do to have healthier alternative outlets. So that's the first one is identifying your triggers. And addressing them so that they're less common. Again, the common ones are stress, boredom, anxiety, loneliness, and then also just arousal. You know, there are certain things that will trigger your arousal, like.

Certain TV shows, maybe certain people you follow on Instagram. So cutting out all of those triggers that you can in the beginning. Again, this is, it's not about the long-term solution. This is the short-term solution. Long-term, it doesn't matter what triggers are there, because you have greater self-control, you have greater self-mastery where you can be in the presence of those triggers, and it doesn't matter.

Okay, so that's number one. Number two, for the preemptive strategy, change your environment. Just change something about your environment. That's one of the simplest and easiest ways to reduce the feeling of urges arising so much of acting out with porn and porn addiction is these habit. You know, these routines, these subconscious habit, uh, behaviors that we fall into.

And so if you just change your environment, for example, if you move your bed to the opposite side of your bedroom, if you change where you work each day, if you have a different routine, that is going to help reduce your urges because you are having kind of a system reset. And you are, uh, you know, creating this change where you're in a new environment so you're not being triggered in the same way that you might normally be triggered.

The third thing you can do is to create new routines. So having, you know, well-structured routines to help you stay on track and minimize the occurrence of urges. So replacing some old habits with new healthy activities. So things like physical exercise, pursuing hobbies. Learning a new skill, spending time with your loved ones.

If you fill your schedule with these positive and fulfilling things, it will leave less room for cravings and it will provide a sense of purpose in your life, a sense of accomplishment. So if you're working on a hobby, You know, learning how to carve spoons or how to shoot a bow and arrow, or how to knit or how to cook, you know, there's so many things.

It just leaves less room for you to get sidetracked into acting out with porn, acting out with these unhealthy habits and behaviors. So that is the third one, creating new, healthy routines. The fourth preemptive strategy is utilizing technology and utilizing blockers, utilizing these things that will prevent you from accessing porn, and it just kind of removes the temptation.

So there are so many different software applications, internet filters, things that you can do to block adult content or to restrict your access to specific websites or to limit the time that you can spend on certain apps. And these tools, again, will just help because they're, they make it harder to access, which makes it less likely for your urge to arise.

You know, one of my favorite examples of a preemptive strategy, and this is one of the things that I tell all of my clients to do, and it just works wonders, is the put your phone outside your bedroom. So many people, so. Have trouble with their phone at night, and part of the reason is that it's just right there next to them in bed.

But if you leave your phone charging in a room outside, like in the kitchen or downstairs or in your office, you don't even think about it because it's not there When you're in bed and there's no phones around, there's no computers around. You simply can fall asleep. So it really helps with that. So again, those are some of the preemptive strategies for dealing with urges.

Identifying and addressing your triggers, changing your environment, creating new healthy routines, and utilizing technology and blockers to give yourself a leg up. So now let's look at part two of this, which is the counteractive strategies. And this is what do you do when an urge arises? This is where most people really get into trouble, is an urge arises and they just don't know what to do with it.

You know, their whole life, and this, you know, might be true for you. When an urge arises, it's uncomfortable, and so you just act on it, you know? So what can you do when the urge arises? These are the four counteractive strategies. Strategy number one is developing self-awareness and mindfulness. So developing self-awareness is crucial when facing urges related to quitting porn.

By becoming more mindful of your thoughts and emotions and triggers, you can better understand what's going on with your cravings. You know what's arising in the present moment. One of my all time favorite quotes. Comes from a summary of the work of Viktor Frankl by Stephen Covey, and it goes something like this.

Between stimulus and response, there's a space. And in that space is your power to choose your response, and in your response lies your growth and your freedom. So this is the most important aspect of self-mastery, is having that. Access to that space between stimulus and response, access to the space where you get to choose how to live your life.

Because if you don't have access to that space, you're just following your habit patterns and routines, all of the ingrained habits, you're living your life like a zombie, like a machine. And so the very first step and the most important is developing more present moment awareness. Where you can get access to that space, where you can choose.

In a moment when an urge arises, you can say, oh, okay, an urge is arising. How do I want to act in this next moment? As opposed to if there's no awareness, the urge arises and you automatically act on it. So that is step one, is cultivating more self-awareness, more mindfulness through practices like meditation, mindfulness, meditation, and other forms of self-awareness.

Counteractive Strategy number two. What to do when an urge arises is to practice something called urge surfing. So this concept of urge surfing, it involves riding the waves of your cravings without acting on them. So instead of resisting or fighting against the urge, and instead of just completely giving into it and indulging, you can acknowledge the presence of it and approach it with curiosity.

So you're actually there with the feeling of craving. And what you do is you observe the sensations and the thoughts. Okay. What's going on in my body? Oh, my chest feels tight. You know my, my fingers feel kind of tense. I'm sweating. My heart is beating. You allow yourself to observe and get curious about the sensations without pushing it away and without just falling in and indulging in it.

What helps with this is understanding that urges are temporary. Any emotion is temporary. There was some research that showed that. The majority of emotions only last 90 seconds if you don't feed them. So whether it's anger, irritation, lust, craving, sadness, they just last 90 seconds. What happens is we keep feeding these emo emotions, but if you can be there with it and just observe it without feeding it, without pushing it away, without resisting it, just notice with curiosity, you can surf.

The wave of the urge. So that is option number two. Strategy number two of what to do when an urge arises. Counteractive strategy number three is to change your state. Do something that changes your physi physiological state. So this is one that many of you will have heard of. Things like hopping into a cold shower, or my personal favorite is just dropping and doing 20 pushups.

You know, if you are in a state where you lust is arising, craving is arising, and you have the feeling to act out, if you drop and do pushups until you are exhausted, chances are the craving is going to go away. I have yet to have this one fail on me or on any of my clients. If you are in a state of craving, you know, drop and do some pushups.

Find a pull up bar, do some pull ups, do some body weight squats. Do something to change your physiological state is a a huge benefit for just shifting you out of that state of craving, that state of lust. Okay, I finally, option number four is to build and make use of a support network. So building a strong support network can really significantly impact your ability to cope with urges, by being able to reach out to a friend or to a coach, or to an accountability partner.

When you are feeling an urge, it's going to be a huge benefit. You don't even have to tell them you know what's going on. You could just call up a friend and say, Hey, just wanted to call and, and see what you were doing. See what you're up to. That alone, just calling someone, it's kind of similar to changing your physiological state.

It takes you out of the mind state of, oh, okay, I'm, I'm craving this thing. I need to act on it. Also, you know, if, if it's someone that you have a good relationship with, if there is that vulnerability, you can tell them, you say, Hey, I'm noticing a craving to do something that's not going to support my wellbeing.

And you know, I thought I'd just call you and they can walk you through it and they can say, oh great, I'm glad you called. So having a support network of people you can reach out to when you're feeling an urge, again, having a coach, having a friend that you can talk to about this being part of a men's group, there are many different ways that you can build that kind of support network.

So again, summary here, what to do when an urge arises. The first thing, develop that sense of mindfulness, present moment awareness. What is going on in this moment? Is it lust? Is it boredom? Is it stress? Whatever it is, bring that mindful awareness to what's happening. Strategy number two is practice urge surfing.

So really be there with the feeling, not pushing it away, not resisting it, and not indulging in it. You're just there with it and get curious about how it feels in your body. Strategy Number three, change your physiological state. So when an urge arises, if you're trying to be with it with mindfulness, you're trying to surf the urge and wait it out and it's not working, do something to change your physiological state.

Do some pushups, hop in a cold shower, and then fourth, reach out to your support network. Find a friend you can talk to. You don't have to tell them what's going on, or you can, it's up to you. But just doing something to reach out to a friend and have that. Connection with another human being. So those are the four counteractive strategies of what to do when an urge arises.

So to kind of summarize this, again, we know that quitting porn is challenging, in part because so many of these behaviors are ingrained, you are gonna feel these strong urges, these strong desires to act out, that seem to almost hijack your whole body, your whole system. But if you can apply these strategies, both the preemptive ones and the counteractive ones, you can develop that resilience and the self-control necessary to be able to overcome urges and to break free from that grip of porn.

You know, it's something that. Especially in the beginning, having a period of sobriety is so important. I remember for me, you know, when I finally decided to break free from porn, it was, I was actually in India when I made this decision and I was able to go, you know, from that point, I think I went something like four years without ever looking at porn because I was so motivated.

But it really helped. To reset my brain. It really helped to give my neural pathways time to heal. And you know, after that, relapses do occur sometimes, and that's okay. It's okay to have an occasional relapse. The, the question is, how quickly can you get back on track? You know? And how much resilience do you have?

How much self-compassion do you have in understanding? You're not a bad person if you do relapse. It's okay, but in the beginning, having some of these tools to deal with your urges is gonna be really beneficial. So I hope that that has been helpful for you today. I. I hope that inspires you to, you know, take this into your own hands.

You know, one of the things I talked to about a few episodes ago is some of the reasons that your recovery might not be working. And one of those reasons is if you don't have a strategy in place, if you're not following a method or a framework or a system, it's gonna be very hard to practice recovery.

And so one of the things you can do is to have. A system or a strategy in place for how am I going to deal with urges when urges arise again? Which they will, what are you going to do about it? So hopefully this episode has given you some ideas for things you can implement in your life. So that's it for today.

Signing off as usual, if you wanna support the podcast. I would love for you to leave a review, hit that follow button, hit the subscribe button, and leave a review so that others can see what you are benefiting from. Uh, it really does help a lot to support this podcast. So that's it from Amsterdam signing off.

We will catch you on the next episode.