How to forgive yourself when you've hurt someone you care about

Have you ever hurt someone you care about? I’m not talking about an accidental step on the toe. I mean causing some real pain and suffering in another person. The kind that doesn’t heal overnight.

I have.

She was one of my closest friends, and I abandoned her when she was going through a difficult time. I was going through big changes in my life at the time as well – selling my business and moving to a new city – and felt that I didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone else’s problems. So when she started reaching out for support, I disappeared, leaving her to deal with her problems by herself.

All she needed was a kind ear and a shoulder to lean on, and I couldn’t give even that.

Months later, she confronted me, and told me how much it hurt her that I had disappeared. Instead of owning up to my mistake and apologizing, I got defensive. My ego got in the way. I made excuses and tried to put the blame elsewhere.

But she was right. What I had done was selfish and unsympathetic. I wasn’t able to admit my mistake at the time, perhaps because of how bad I actually felt about what I had done.

For a long time after, I beat myself up for how I’d acted, for being unable to own up to mistake right away, and for what it said about me.

If you can relate, this post is for you. I’m going to share three steps you can take when you have a hard time forgiving yourself for a mistake you’ve made in life. Of course, some mistakes are more costly than others, and these tips might not work for you.

But before we get to the part where you forgive yourself, it’s important to apologize to the person you’ve hurt. It might sound obvious, but it can be a hard thing to do (and probably deserves its own “how to” post). If you haven’t apologized yet, stop reading this, and give that person an apology. Even if it’s just a one-sentence email saying you were thinking about them, and wanted to apologize.

Practicing self-forgiveness

Here are three things I’ve found to help when practicing self-forgiveness. There are many other strategies out there, but these are the three that have helped me most in my own life.

1. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes

In other words, you don’t need to be perfect.

I’m bringing this up because there is this idea that is deeply ingrained in many of us, that in order to be loved, we need to be perfect. This feeling is most likely a result of our evolutionary history, living in small tribal societies, where social standing could make or break your ability to survive.

I’ll admit, I get lost in the “perfect-trap” too. But the truth is, no one is perfect, and you don’t need to hold yourself to those standards.

Try it out: Put your hand on your heart, and say, “I’ve made a mistake, and that’s ok. I’m not perfect, and I don’t need to be.”

2. Learn from your mistake

Wisdom is gained not by being perfect, but by learning from your mistakes.

If there is anything worse than making the mistake in the first place, it is not learning from it. Furthermore, whatever happened in the past is done, and there’s no changing it. But you can change the future. Let the mistake be a reminder for how to act with more wisdom and compassion in similar situations down the road.

Try it out: Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this mistake?” Then, promise to the universe that whatever pain was caused by your actions was not in vain. You will be wiser next time.

3. Practice forgiveness meditation

Forgiveness meditation is related to the practice of metta, or lovingkindness meditation. However, instead of wishing for the wellbeing of a person, as we do with metta, we send out forgiveness for any harm that has been caused.

Here’s what a forgiveness practice looks like:

May I forgive myself for any harm I have caused another, either intentionally or unintentionally. May I forgive myself for any harm I have caused myself, either intentionally or unintentionally.

As you can see, this involves setting the intention to forgive ourselves not just for the harm we have caused others, but also for any harm we have caused ourselves with our actions.

We can also modify this practice in order to forgive others:

May I forgive others for any harm they have caused me, either intentionally or unintentionally.

A last note about this forgiveness practice, is that you can change the words around to suit your liking. For example, you can drop the “May I…” at the beginning, and simply go with “I forgive myself for…”. You can also simply bring someone (such as yourself) to mind, and say “I forgive you“. See which way of phrasing and visualization works best for you.

The most important thing here is setting the intention to forgive, keeping in mind that no one is perfect.

Try it out: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, paying attention to the feeling of your breath in your abdomen as you breathe in and out. When you feel settled, try repeating the forgiveness phrases silently in your mind. You can try also putting your hand on your heart as you say the phrases.