The upside of saying “no” – why it will help you build a life you love
This is my twin sister, Aviva, in her newly decked out 2004 Toyota Sienna. If you’re wondering why she looks so happy (and why there’s a wooden platform in the back of her van), let me explain.
At the beginning of the month, my sister was working as software engineer at a tech company in San Francisco. The work was engaging, and the job paid well. But her lifestyle was demanding. She felt exhausted – trying to give 100% to work, and musical projects, and friendships, and all her other interests. She had no energy left to take care of herself – to do things like cook for herself, stay active, sleep, and meditate on a regular basis.
So why is she so happy in the photo? Last fall, she decided to quit her job and instead travel the country, doing what she loves most - playing music, visiting friends, and sitting in nature. This van will be her home as she leaps into that adventure.
And I’ll tell you, I could not be more proud of her for doing this. She listened to her gut and realized she needed to make a change in her life.
Even though she feels scared of what the future will hold, she’s taking responsibility for her happiness, and doing what she can to live a life that brings out the best in her.
Of course I’m not recommending that you quit your job, become a musician, and move into a van. You might have a family to care for, or perhaps you're passionate about your work, despite the non-ideal work environment. Here’s what I am recommending: That you keep fighting to build a life you love, in whatever way you can.
In my last post I wrote about how the number one regret of dying people was that they didn’t live a life true to themselves, that instead they lived a life that others expected of them. So my question for you is, are you focused on what makes you happy?
Or... are you living a life that others want you to live?
If you want to live a life that is true to yourself, then learning how to say “no” is essential. Here's what Toni Morrison has to say:
“Want to fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
What keeps many of us from living our dream life is not a lack of direction, or priorities, or resources, rather it’s that we have trouble letting go of all the crap that is holding us back. It’s like trying to row a boat across a river without first untying it from the dock. No matter how hard we try, we can’t make any progress.
This “junk" that we have trouble letting go of can show up in our lives in a number of ways:
careers that we are afraid to leave despite feeling unfulfilled
social activities that leave us feeling drained and depleted
harmful addictions
our own self-limiting beliefs
a fear of trying new things
It’s easy to search outside of ourselves for what’s holding us back in life, but it's important to notice that our own thoughts and mental habit patterns can weigh us down too.
In this post, I’ll be giving you my top 3 strategies on how you can say “no" to what's holding you back, so you can start creating the life you love.
How to say “no” to what's holding you back
Choose your words wisely
We’re going to look to our old friend science for a little help once again. A recent behavioral study found that particular words you say when trying to stick to a diet affect how likely you are to be successful. They found that using a sentence like “I don’t eat cookies”, is more effective than “I can’t eat cookies” or “I don’t want to eat cookies”.
When we use the “I don’t” wording, we are telling ourselves that we are the type of person that doesn’t do these things. For whatever reason, it boosts our ability to follow through with our goals.
Realize that you can say “no” to a mental habit just like you would say “no” to a dinner invitation or a slice of pizza. For example, if you want to stop comparing yourself to others, then notice whenever it happens, and say in your mind, “No thank you. I don’t compare myself to others.” Do this just as if you were turning down that slice of pizza!
Don’t forget WHY you’re saying no
Remember that the purpose of saying “no” is to free up more time, energy, and mental space, so you can focus on doing things that you truly love. We say “no” to what weighs us down, so that we can say “yes” to what really matters.
Every time you have the inclination to say “no”, see if you can keep that greater purpose in mind. For example, if you say no to a dinner invitation, it’s not because you don’t care about the person who invited you, it’s because you are trying to make space for the priorities in your life. Simply thank the person for their invitation, and tell them you’re sorry that you can’t make it.
Flex your mental muscles
Saying “no” takes willpower, and if you want to say “no” to difficult aspects of your life, you need a strong mind. How do we get a strong mind? With mindfulness of course! You can strengthen your mind in the same way you strengthen your muscles – through training. Every time you sit down to practice mindful breathing (or any mindfulness activity), it’s like doing a bicep curl for your mind.
This last step is not a quick-fix, unfortunately. It takes time and dedication to train your mind. But, most quick-fixes don’t provide long-lasting solutions. If you want lasting change, it takes hard work and dedication.
Now it's time to put your money where your mind is:
Identifying your junk and taking out the trash
Take a moment and write down things that might be weighing you down in life. Activities, career goals, habits, people, whatever. Try to be open and honest with yourself. This is a brainstorm, so don’t worry about picking the most important items. Just sit down and write anything that comes to mind.
If you’re having some trouble coming up with ideas, try identifying
activities do you do on a regular basis that leave you feeling depleted (e.g. happy hour after work)
behaviors that you wish you could change (e.g. midnight cookie-binges, or browsing Facebook for hours when you should be getting ready for bed).
stories you tell yourself that keep you stuck in negativity (e.g. “I’m not a good parent or spouse”, “I’m not smart enough to start my own business”, or “I can never stick with a healthy diet”).
people in your life that trigger difficult emotions or lead you to behaviors you’re not proud of (e.g., Negative Nancies at work, or friends who complain all the time or like to gossip about others)
high standards you hold yourself to, which you know are unrealistic (e.g., work out 7 times a week, don't let people see you get angry or sad, never eat dessert, etc).
This list will look completely different for everyone, so don’t worry about whether your list is “right". Trust your gut. Deep inside you already know what you need to let go of. Next, choose 3 things that you would feel comfortable saying “no" to this week, and then make the resolution to actually say “no” to them, at least once.
If it’s helpful, send me an email and let me know what you’re going to say “no” to this week! And if you’re still having trouble, let me know what you’re struggling with.